Chicago Bears/ LeFevour

Chicago Bears: Welcome to Chicago LeFevour, I hope that’s French for, “Do me a favor and don’t put me in coach.”

Listen Rookie: You better pray that you see no game time this season. Did you see our offensive line? Or rather, the lack there of. Jay Cutler has been sacked about ten times already, and it’s only been three pre-season games. Three pre-season games doesn’t even amount to much over a full game. In fact, he’s only played about three, maybe three and half quarters, and from my view on the couch, that stiff upper lip is about to drop down to pout mode and who can blame him?. After all, the kid was supposed to be the second coming via Elwayville, to quarterbacks no mans land.
I’ve been pulling for this team for a long time, and the band I’m in even decided to keep Cutler on the Fantasy team even after last years debacle. (“The band has a fantasy team?” Yes, the band plays fantasy, because if we win the whole thing, we then go and record the next psychedelic noise rock album, and it gives us something to talk about at practice now that the Island is over. “Psychedelic noise rock? Who listens to that?” NO ONE! That’s why we have to win the fantasy to go record another album, now quit interrupting before I send you back to Central Michigan.) Why did we keep Cutler one may ask? Two words, one man, and a brain that would make Brainiac nervous: Mike Martz.
You may recall, well given your youth LeFevour you might vaguely remember some people from the Mississippi region known as St. Louis, once considered this man a God. This guy had something known as “The Greatest Show on Turf”. This was the nickname given to the St. Louis Rams’ insane offensive game. From 1999-2001, these cats would attack the defense the way those piranhas ate up those naked chicks in that movie you went to go see, but don’t have the balls to tell your girlfriend. Remember how the Patriots were unstoppable, and now it’s pretty much the Colts, well, about ten years ago, that was the Saint Louis Rams. Martz was the head coach, and he called the most insane plays ever known.
So, what happened? The nfl happened. Things change, great quarterbacks become second string on different teams, the back-up QB isn’t as good, and the head coach is suddenly the face of losing. Remember, it also stands for “Not For Long.” So the Rams falter, Martz, most likely from stress, gets a heart condition, and is let go. Ends up in Detroit. (Too easy.)
Within this time, the Bears pick up a new head coach, Lovie Smith. Also known amongst some circles as the Rottweiler. Not because of his play calling, but because when he looks up at the Soldier Field jumbotron he resembles a confused dog. But where did Lovie Smith come from? Well, at one point he was the Defensive coordinator for who was it again, Oh yeah, the St. Louis Rams Greatest Show on Turf.
We get Cutler, he has the worst season of his career. We fire our offensive coordinator and Lovies all, “Let’s get the mastermind, Martz.” So in a way, this is like getting the band back together. (No, not my band you jackass, a successful one.) So here’s the point Rookie: Stick around Martz and learn what you can, he’s genius. But pray to God you don’t get put in during a real game, ‘cause without an offensive line not much can happen.
As for our offensive line coach, he used to be the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. He took them on something called the loveboat. Ask Urlacher or Briggs about it. Or, just tune in for my next post as we continue to dissect what the Bears need to do from the drunks point of view. ‘Til next time.
Axel Kristecki

Tags: Dan LeFevour, Elwayville, fox, LeFevour, NFL Draft, pre-season